84% crap - Iraq Enquiry, Day 16

Putting figures on "Crapness" is notoriously difficult and incredibly embarrassing - that's why we hate exams. Putting a stat on the difference between "amateurs" and "professionals" harder still.

Sir Frederick Viggers isn't the first person to call the government "amateurs", but he's the first to have done so in such stark terms, and there's a decent stat in his statements to the Iraq inquiry to measure the professional/amateur differential.

100 days was the estimate given to complete an invasion.

It took just 16.

Aside from our military competence was the fact that the very basis for war - the threat posed by Iraq's military machine under the guidance of Mssrs Hussein & Co turns out to have been a sham. The only people they "conned" were HM Gov PLC.

That's an 84% difference, with the supposed "con" perpetrated by the likes of Comical Ali.

When Gordon Brown promises the end of "boom and bust", no cuts in the frontline of public spending, reduction of the gap between rich and poor etc. we'd do well to remember there's an 84% chance that either he's being conned... or we are.

Gordon admits election defeat

Here's the thing...

If you announce legislation requiring gov't to half the budget deficit and the following day OECD figures say spiraling UK debt is increasing interest payments and the budget deficit... doesn't that mean you're about to pass a law you're going to break ?

Doesn't that mean Gordon's knows full well he's not going to be in government once his "Fiscal Responsibility" Bill is on the statute books ?

Answers on a postcard please.

The Government can't run a bath

There's been a theory knocking around Ministry Towers that despite the media's love for the soap opera of conspiracies, lies and deceit in politics - all of this manifests itself from an incredibly banal truth... the Government can't run a bath let alone the country.

And now the PM's had to apologise for his letter writing skills...

It's almost inconceivable to think someone running a factory, expressing condolences to a mother for the loss of her son in an industrial accident would be so cack-handed. If you've got crap handwriting, but want to make it personal you'd get a secretary to hand-write, spell and namecheck it, then simply sign. You can't doubt Brown's good intentions - wanting to actually write the thing - but even at this macro-level the  judgement that goes into the execution is way below par.

On a broader scale the poor judgement/execution infects everything it touches. The fees office, inquiries, civil service, public services.

Panorama last night took a pop at the Criminal Justice System - a subject close to the Ministry's heart (and currently under active investigation by sister company, Spirit Level Film). It resulted in Jack Straw announcing a review of "out-of-court" penalties. In 2004 the government solution to over-burdened courts was to give the police power to issue offenders with PND notices - the ability to let an offender off with a fine and caution if they plead guilty. Now the police are issuing them for violent offences - ABA etc. Except half of them remain unpaid and have to be chased up by....   the courts. Cut to police chief explaining the time burden of a PND is half a man hour, versus two and a half hours for sending someone to court.

It'd be interesting to see the stats on offences PNDs have been issued for versus the stats for the same offences brought to court pre-PND. This writer's willing to bet a lunch on the number of unpaid PNDs issued that need to be chased up in court being equal to or higher than the same offences, pre-PND that ended up in court. Anyone out there got a spare half hour ?

Adding insult to injury is the fact it's only a Panorama programme or other media exposure that gets Straw & Co to review the situation.

Premature, premature, premature

When will we learn.

Last Thursday's post was kosher, just a little early. You'll notice from the comments that both Brown and Cameron were dissenters - (we can't testify to the authenticity of the authors, then again, it'd be a brave man betting either knew what was going on in their party).

Meantime, regrettably we're bound and gagged on this for what may be a week or so and we'll return to salivating in anticipation of tomorrow's Kelly report. Weirdly, the press seem a little quiet on this, though the Ministry is given to understand it's contents have been with the printers since the weekend.

This'll be appointment viewing

Much is at stake here - the rise of fascism, racism etc. versus the ability of Jack Straw, the other panelists and audience to expose the BNP on national TV. Thrown into the mix is censorship, don't give 'em a platform etc. and probably the career of the BBC's Director General. There may be the smallest of chances that Nick Griffin will perform well - the consequences of which are too dire/embarrassing for all to contemplate.

Weirdly, we find ourselves in agreement with Gordon (it's the BBC's decision) Brown . Weirder still is to find ourselves rooting for Jack Straw. Both are in direct opposition to the likes of Peter Hain, Alan Johnson and Ken (chair of the United Against Fascism League) Livingstone - who's words of wisdom condemn the BBC's decision with nanny-state logic...  we must control, censor and legislate - the public are too stupid to think for themselves etc. He told Radio 4

"if anyone is hurt tonight the BBC will bear moral responsibility for that," adding that he felt the broadcaster had "lost its moral compass".

"Unlike any other party, when Nick Griffin speaks or when they get elected in an area, what we see is an increase in racial attacks. It's a long pattern not just with the BNP but with the national front before them. He goes and says his bit ... but for the angry racist it's the trigger that turns into an attack.

"We first saw this when Enoch Powell made his 'rivers of blood' speech there was a huge surge in attacks on black conductors on our buses and that's why you apply a different standard to the BNP to those parties that do not legitimise this sort of violence against minorities."

Err...., No Ken. You get racially motivated violence because some people are idiots and violent with it. If they didn't have a TV show exposing the BNP as idiots to spark violence it'd be something else.

No word from the Cameron benches on support or otherwise for the BBC. Pussies to a man.

There's money changing hands at Ministry Towers over whether there'll be a walkout from one of the panelists. Mine's on Griffin, it'll be his last resort to any semblance of dignity.

More Brown stuff

Gordon Brown a member of the Illuminati ?? Probably not.

Amusing none the less and worth watching for the last 30 seconds...

Brown's Green Paper

Much excitement at Ministry Towers over Brown’s Green Paper on constitutional reform entitled, “The Governance of Britain” with sub-headings of , “Limiting the powers of the executive” and “Making the Executive more Accountable”.

It’s opening gambit clearly states Brown is seeking to, “re-new trust in our democratic institutions”, at least that’s grudgingly admitting there’s a trust problem, though “re-newing” implies there was something there in the first place.

Rather than drag you through the nuts and bolts, suffice to say the real rub’s in the small print. Little concrete action and nothing that actually limits the powers of the executive, makes them more accountable.

They do say it’s only, “the first step in a national conversation” and though we applaud the intention, it feels like we already had the conversation but no-one was listening.

Still, if Brown’s saying he’s ready to listen, it’d be a start if he accepted our interview request - this business of finding an MP to support legislation that would solve the “trust” problem overnight isn’t easy.

Democracy Unaffordable

Photo Montage : Peter Kennard

This BAE business stinks. Cuts right to the heart of a government's genuine desire to “export democracy”. And now the US are really gonna fuck things up.

It’s inconceivable that a UK or US minister of defence would get a kickback to the tune of £100m a year for awarding a military contract. Granted, times have changed, but even in the petro-dollar 70’s morality such behaviour would be seen as a gross breach of public trust and basic democratic principles. The government is supposed to act in the name of and interests of the people – difficult to believe when your minister of defence has just splashed out on a Gulfstream jet (actually a 747 – Ed).

Was there ever a time government policy of “exporting” democracy was thrown into sharper relief ? So long as you’re a pal, so long as we get paid, we don’t mind you screwing your people, in fact we’re happy to help.

Naive ? This Al Yamaneh bizniz is gonna come back to bite us in the arse - in the shape of the US investigation. You gotta wonder if Gordon will stick to the terms of our extradition treaty when they come knocking on BAE directors’ doors (probably the best hope for the Nat West 3).

The Misrepresentation of the People's Act ? - might as well give up.

With this deal, the Saudi’s priced democracy out of business. The thousands of jobs, the treasury contribution – who was gonna say no ? We couldn't afford it. And Bandar’s bung was almost certainly priced into the margin anyway.

The SFO and Goldsmith decided it wasn’t in the UK's interest to continue the investigation. For once, maybe the US and it's investigation is actually acting on behalf of the Saudi people ?

No doubt they’ll get their come-uppence soon enough. Maybe in Diego Garcia.

Spoke too soon

Oh well. Figured it was worth waiting to see if the diagnosis of a Brown U-turn on Freedom of Information was accurate. Didn’t take long for a better reading.

In our pursuit of an MP willing to support the Misrepresentation of the People’s Act, many of them countered with the fact that FOI requests are all the protection/redress the electorate needs - enforceable by law and a refusal to comply can lead to a prison sentence.

Really ?

So why would a Government department refuse a request ?

In light of Mr Brown’s declaration that his reign would be one of a more honest and accountable government we wonder if he’ll slap the Office of Government Commerce on the wrist.

In Jan 2005 (just after the FOI was introduced) the OGC turned down a request to publish the early reviews of the ID card project. Richard Thomas – the information commissioner, upheld an appeal and ruled in favour of the disclosure. Hurrahhh !!!

The OGC appealed to the Information Tribunal. Booooo.

The Information Tribunal upheld the Information Commissioners ruling. Hurrraaaahhhh !!!!

Earlier this month, the OGC has decided to appeal again – this time to the High Court.

We’ll be watching how this plays out, but one thing’s for sure – GB may talk the talk, but either his government departments don’t give a shit, or GB’s full of it.

Brown U turn

More Freedom of Information...

Gordon Brown promised to reverse the Commons decision to exempt MPs from the Freedom of Information Act. "It will be corrected," he said of the legislation, passed by MPs 10 days ago.

Does this herald a new breed of democracy ?

Step 1 : Pass legislation
Step 2 : Media backlash
Step 3 : React to media backlash
Step 4 : Apologise
Step 5 : Reverse legialation

Probably not the best way to run a country (Assuming he gets to Step 5 - Ed).

Terrifying Brown stuff

No sign of the promised Bush pilot project video yet. We've been assured it will be with us tomorrow. We can only apologise for the unreliability of our East German contact. She professes to be scared shitless. Talking of which...

In our on-going quest to find an MP who’ll support “the Misrepresentation of the People’s Act” we’ve been badgering Gordon Brown.

Having been brushed off too many times to mention, last night, we snuck in to the Fabian Society’s hastily convened “leadership” debate in a last-ditch attempt to confront the man. It didn’t go well.

Long before we got a chance to badger him, we were spotted by the great man himself and immediately recognised.

Check out the look in his eyes - it says, “I know who you are, I know what you’re up to. I eat subversive mother-fuckers for breakfast. Look at me once more and I'll fucking have you”. Gulp. Those unfortunate enough to be sitting near me turned up their nose at the smell of fear. I was too paralysed to even mutter a denial. Besides, it could’ve been the natural odour from any of the unwashed hippies in attendance.

It took all of our courage to approach him afterwards for an interview request. His instructions were succinct ;

1) No longer are we to contact his press officer.

2) All communications should now be made via Damien McBride.

3) Vote Brown.

We googled McBride – he’s a “special advisor”. Little more is known.

Brown was less than impressed by our question, "Do you know you're flying low".

We’ll be sending in our interview request as soon as we’ve bathed.

Naturally, we’ll keep you posted.

New Standards ?

Much government weirdness to report.

We only just interviewed the Chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life, Sir Alistair Graham, must be coincidence that an "interim replacement" was announced yesterday - Rita Donaghy.

Perhaps it’s also coincidence that she could be Sir Alistair's identical female twin.

All this and the recent revelation that Gordon Brown is in fact Hilda Ogden.

It’s a little known fact that Soho’s leading female impersonator revue bar, Madame Jojo's offers price concessions to those holding full labour party membership.

Perhaps the party’s taking Tony Blair’s vow to increase the number of female MPs a little too seriously ?

That said, Sir Alistair wasn’t shy in his criticism of the current lack of accountability for ministers. We’ll be posting his interview soon.

Man with Forked Tongue ?

We do of course apologise in advance should our accusation that Gordon Brown is in fact Hilda Ogden prove to be false - though we reserve the right to remain sceptical. We shall see what light our Freedom of Information request sheds.

In the meantime, in an article shamelessly cribbed from the Times, results of a poll conducted for teletext show 47% of those polled thought Ogden-Brown was a straight talker.

The Home Secretary, John Reid, despite his reputation as a straight-talking tough guy, fared worst out of all three parties in the study...

57% David Davis

54% Sir Menzies Campbell

47% Gordon Brown

47% David Cameron

40% Tony Blair

39% John Prescott

36% John Reid

After examining television interviews with ten leading politicians from the past 16 months, Geoff Beattie, head of psychological sciences at the University of Manchester and the resident psychologist on Big Brother has concluded that Mr Brown is the most straight-talking of his senior Government colleagues.

Professor Beattie said: “The Labour Party seems to be in legacy mode. There are certain statements they want to be remembered for and they are determined to get them out.”

But he warned that voters should not be fooled into thinking that the opposition parties are intrinsically more open or trustworthy.

“There is not some factor that makes them psychologically more straightforward than Labour,” he said. The Labour scores were affected, he added, by “the constraints of government”.

Professor Beattie was horrified at the suggestion that his study showed that the Conservatives were more honest than their rivals. He said: “I wouldn’t for a second say that Conservative politicians are more straight-talking. Once they get a chance to go back into government, I’m quite sure they will be equally evasive.”

Great Political Porkies of our time Pt 27 : Gordon Ogden-Brown

In true oily-slick political fashion, Brown has never actually stated he isn't Hilda Ogden so it's not strictly accurate to say he's lied. However, he has on numerous occasions said his name IS Gordon Brown. Surely, this amounts to denial.

Hilda left the TV soap Coronation Street in 1987, exactly the same time our "leader in waiting" began his ascendancy in the Labour Party.

We shall be making a Freedom of Information request immediately and pursuing it with much vigour.

I thank you.

Here come da truth...

Yesterday the Treasury keeled over, foamed at the mouth and went into full-tilt Vicky Pollard Defcom 4 rhetoric over this Gobshite Brown pensions business.

Their but yeah, but no, but yeah re-buffs went something like this ;

1) The CBI were lobbying for it. ("But no 'cos I can prove it 'cos anyway she told me to do it round the bike sheds ages ago")

2) Work and Pensions Secretary John Hutton "If they (the Tories) think it's such a bad policy, maybe we'll hear a pledge from them to reverse these tax changes - and so far there's been a deafening silence." ("But yeah you can't listen to them 'cos they never say nuffin good anyway")

3) Ed Balls (junior minister at the Treasury) pointed out that Conservative Chancellor Norman Lamont had cut the dividend tax credit from 25% to 20% in 1993. ("But no 'cos they did that before anyway when they wuz teachers pet so we can't be wrong")

4) A Treasury spokesman blamed pension schemes' recent funding problems on the dotcom crash, pension holidays in the 1980s and 1990s and a rise in life expectancy. ( "but no, see, it was raining and everything, and I tried to get some sherbert, but ... don't blame me")

Except...let's take a look at those one by one ;

1) Lord Turner (director general of the CBI at the time) has emphatically denied the CBI made or would make any such recommendation.

2) Whether the Opposition has an alternative is not an answer to the allegation that Gordon Brown ignored Civil Service advice and ruined our pensions.

3) Lamont's successor Ken Clarke considered but rejected scrapping the dividend because he thought the "downside far outweighed the upside because of the damage it would do to pension funds"

4) A stock market crash (post dot.com) is exactly the reason you need a pensions surplus. Both pensions holidays and rising life expectancy were known and quantified facts well before Brown's 1997 budget.

But yeah, but no, but yeah because m'nan says...

It'd be funny if these weren't grown fucking men running our country.

the Brown smelly stuff

One of the many counter-arguments thrown at us by MPs in our attempt to get support for the Misrepresentation of the Peoples Act is that we’re better off not being able to hold an elected representative to account on a daily basis. They should be judged on their performance over a decent period of time. There’s some validity to this – however, for us to be able to judge their performance we must know the facts. Strange then, that a government committed to the Freedom of Information Act should fight so hard against the release of such facts…

For the last two years the Treasury has been fighting a court battle with the Times to prevent their official advice to Gordon Brown being released under the Freedom of Information Act.

On Friday we learned why it was a two year battle. We also learned why it was released on a day when Parliament was in recess and Gordon Brown was abroad.

Turns out back in 1997 the Treasury and the Inland Revenue warned the Right Honourable Gordon that his first budget could lead to a hole in Britain’s pension funds.

Brown doesn’t deny he ignored the advice, nor does he deny the hole in Britain’s pensions and the crisis they face. In fact, he has yet to comment – he’s in Afghanistan.

What Ed Balls, his junior minister denies is responsibility, “The Times analysis is abject nonsense and a complete travesty of the information they have received.” Amusing in the face of the Treasury’s fight to keep the information from us. Less amusing if you’re an impoverished pensioner trying to figure out which way to vote.

The Times summarised it like this ;

The warnings Brown ignored

Warning There will be a “big hole” in pension finances. Result The pensions black hole of Britain’s top 100 companies now stands at £32 billion.

Warning Employers may have to “fork out” additional contributions. Result Leading companies are now paying at least £5 billion a year extra to cut pension deficits.

Warning The shift away from final salary pensions “might accelerate”. Result In 1997, 90% of company pension schemes were final salary. Two-thirds of such schemes are now closed to new members.

Warning The local government pensions scheme, with 1.3m members, will require extra contributions. Result More than a quarter of council tax bills now go towards pension payments.

Warning The change will lead to “a reduction in pension benefits for the lower paid”. Result The government has been forced to increase the pension credit for those on low incomes.

It’d be nice to find out how much of our money the Treasury spent to keep the information buried. I can smell an FOI request coming on…